"I know too many guys?"

"Huh?"

"I thought it bothered you."

"It kinda did. Why?"

"Oh I dunno. Just curious. Wanna talk about it?"

"Nah. I kinda realised that if I was bothered with you knowing too many guys, you should be furious at the number of gals I know."

"That's funny."

"Why's it funny?"

"Because it did bother me, you knowing so many girls. But then I thought about the number of guys I knew and decided not to make a fuss out of it."

Labels: boys, chat log

Hello people! I have a business idea.

We could develop some sort of technology that makes a machine capable of discerning different elements of a kiss (lips, tongue, wetness, temperature, pressure, movement, length of time, etc) and of reproducing it.

Kissing booths! You even get to customize the type of smooch you want, for a little fee of course. There could be kissing lessons conducted at the booths so the inexperienced will be able to learn without risking embarrassment with a human counterpart.

Kissing marathons could be held (on Valentine's day?) to see who'll last longest in a wet kiss or in one with a lot of tongue at the booths to garner publicity (and hopefully indirectly cause a much-needed spike in Singapore's fertility rate).

Throw in a few occupations like FedEx Kissing Management Executive, Kissing Booth Technicians, Kissing Professor, Kissing College Headmaster. Then throw in celebrities! Always wanted to kiss a public figure? Of course! And all celebrities have to do is to allow their kiss to be reproduced. Sure there will be legal problems as with any new technology, but there's business!

Economy BOOM. (Maybe even a baby boom!)

You know how teenagers form the market that's easiest to capture, what with their ridiculous obsession with fads and 'love'. Hook up with cosmetic companies (lipbalm customised for kissing!) to exploit the females!

Business model, yo!

I'm ahead of my time, you say? Perhaps.

But if it ever happens, remember that it was my idea, ok? I hope they name the technology after me. I'm really sorry, but my frank opinion is that 'Angelique' sounds much better than Bluetooth.

Promoting personal wireless connectivity, eh? (;

Labels: thoughts

I have never seen her fade: Her movements clockwork, the girl twirls on tiptoe. Her peaceful eyes hold the very same expression, her smile just as radiant, her unwavering glance unnerving, yet strangely comforting. An enchanting, spellbinding, enigmatic aspect that enraptures. I have never spoken to her; she dances, disregarding the world around us, and as I watch her it is almost as if I'm being drawn into her exclusive, reserved world, one so free from troubles, and yet so enslaved by perfection.

When the music stops she freezes, her life at a standstill, but her smile still perfect. A few manual winds, and she dances again.

I have never seen her fade.

*

I received a lovely pink one for my tenth birthday, but after three or four years one of the pins broke, which upset me very much because I couldn't (and still can't) ignore the missing note in the tune.

Listening to it again today -- one note still missing in the tune -- brought me a mix between joy and grief at discovery of self-identity, because it reminded me that I may have lost more than I knew about.



When I am deemed old and useless I will whittle my days away learning how to make these brilliant things (and maybe while I'm at it, watches). In the late afternoons I will sit on my rocking chair listening to these tunes and I will be the Gentle Ol' Lady Living Next Door.

Kids in the neighbourhood would never believe stories of me being a bitchy spitfire in my youth. They would drop by asking for cookies which I would try to bake for them (but would end up burning, somehow) and instead I would entertain them with tunes and magic.

Musical boxes never fail to enthrall me. Sadly, I never seem to find them on sale anywhere. Odd.

Labels: thoughts

Q:

Dear Aunt Agony,


I broke up with my boyfriend recently. It's been hell even though my girlfriends are here for me, thank god. A few days ago I found a stack of letters to and from him. The ones I wrote but never dared to send him, and the ones he wrote to me. I cried when I read them. I want to forget him and yet I miss him too. What should I do with the letters?


XOXO,
[Anonymous Reader]

----

A:

Dear [Anonymous Reader],


First and foremost, how are you? See, there's a reason why he was your 'Significant Other'. That's because you were -- and still are -- equally significant. You've been through a rough time no doubt, and you're surviving the break-up. Yay for you!

Now it's time to be selfish. Do pamper yourself with chocolate, manicures, pedicures, hair jobs, shopping... God knows what else you love. Single life gives you the freedom to do whatever you want without having to answer to someone else. Indulge! You deserve much better than all the crap you've been through.

As for what to do with those letters, firstly ask yourself how you feel about the relationship now that it's over.

Do you feel angry with him? Show the letters to a friend and make fun of his handwriting and spelling. Make a list of things you hate about him and bitch about those things with your friends to your heart's content.

Would you really want to get back with him? Getting back with an ex means that both of you must be willing to work through a relationship which clearly has its problems. Does he treat you well? Is he deserving of another chance? Only you know.

And, of course, if you want to get back with him, the obvious answer here is no, don't burn those letters!

Do you seek closure? Closure means tying up the emotional loose ends for good, not unlike emotional spring-cleaning. It means coming to terms with the end and moving on for good. As you have mentioned, the letters still hurt you. Not too wise to keep reading them, in my opinion.

Why let him hurt you any more? You're worth more than that shit.

Because I suspect the problem goes further back than just those letters, I'll write about how to deal with a break-up as well.

Clearing things up.

If you want to tell your ex something, write it down. Craft a letter or email. Edit your letter repeatedly until the letter has raised all pertinent topics and is free of provocative language. You want understanding so you can move on, not more conflict.

Here, an email The Ex wrote to me on 3 June 05:

"Hey. I guess there's some problem between us right now.

I'm really sorry for all the pain I have caused you in the past.
I guess I haven't really been a good boyfriend to start off with.
I was always very selfish, expecting you to be here whenever I needed you.
I am very sorry for that.

With this year, both you and I have changed.
Somehow every time both of us talked, it would always end with the conversation stopping.
At a point I stopped trying, it was just not possible anymore.

Anyway for the record, I never played with your feelings.
You have always been to me someone I cared about and you have always meant something to me.
I was very true to myself, but I'm really sorry I turned out to be such a bad listener,
And many times I was just so selfish.

I really wish it wouldn't turn out this way. But I guess it's just not possible anymore.
I guess I'm really a fool to have not treasured you well enough. But I guess this is me.

Thanks of being there when I needed you."

See? Misunderstandings are cleared up. He got his concerns across to me in a completely civil and efficient manner.

Writing a letter is more productive than meeting your ex in person, during which there will be either 1) awkward silences, 2) unwanted histrionics, 3) interruptions, or 4) making out, leading you to become even more hurt in the end when the relationship fails (again).

Avoid (AVOID!!!) your ex.

Don't EVER see him again.

After the optional abovementioned letter, please resist the urge to contact your ex. Allow time for reflection and healing. Emotions and logic rarely co-exist harmoniously, and right now you need to clear the mist and find the rational explanation for why either of you wanted out. There's a reason why you broke up.

Grieving

Feeling a sense of loss after a break-up is normal. Cry your heart out. It's all right. You'll feel better after. Remember that the pain of breaking up will make you a stronger person.

Remember that when a relationship fails, both people are at fault. Quit the self-blame. You know deep inside that every single one of us deserves love and acceptance. (Okay, so maybe not all criminals.)

An unsuccessful relationship doesn't imply that you're worth any less, nor does it entail failure in life. Really, you DO know this, right? Well anyway now you do. (:

[CLICHÉ ALERT]
Few guys are worth your tears, and those who are will never make you cry.

Also remember the ugly Rebound. Don't run headlong into a relationship for the emotional security; this one's doomed to fail. Your new partner will be stuck with the negative emotions you've harboured from the bitterness of your previous relationship.

Avoid emotional involvements. For how long? At least a quarter of the length of your relationship. For example, if you were in a relationship that lasted four months, take a one-month rest before being emotionally involved with someone else.

Taking care of yourself

Emotional upset will take its toll on your body like a common flu will. Sleep well, eat right, exercise!

Employ your support system! Call a friend and rant, cry on their shoulder, or do whatever it takes to cleanse yourself of the negative emotions of hurt, anger or betrayal. Please don't mope alone at home.

You may feel lost, honey, but remember the awesome times you spent with friends when you were single? Spend time with those people! Take up a new hobby. Go scuba diving and rock climbing, visit museums, watch movies, whatever! Keep yourself busy! These activities will help take your mind off the break-up shit.

Reflect.

The journal is now your friend. Write a bitchy, brutally honest letter that you will NOT send to your ex. This is simply to help you be honest with yourself, to get those emotions out on paper. Show it to a friend. Then burn the letter, and watch all your hurt and pain go up in smoke. (:

What went wrong with this relationship? You don't want to make the same mistake twice. Take ownership for what you did wrong as well as what you didn't do. For example, if you noticed the red flags going up, how did you react and what impact did that have on the relationship?

If you need the help of a relationship therapist, please don't hesitate. It's nothing to be ashamed of. People do have relationship problems too, and many don't seek the help they need.

Meditate. Read inspirational material like Chicken Soup for the [whatever] Soul and my blog. (Hahaha.) Know that this experience will make you more resilient to life's challenges.

Yup. Closure.

Oh, and those letters? I really suggest getting rid of them (fire, water, chute, whatever) if he's an awful writer. I mean, can you imagine your grandchildren saying, "Omfg! Grandma dated such illiterate bitches"?

Take things one step at a time now. The destruction of those letters is secondary. You need time to heal. Don't deny yourself that.

Look around you. People still love you for being you. Go give 'em a hug; what are you waiting for?

Please take care. (:


Love,
Aunt Agony

Labels: boys, letters

Q:

Dear Aunt Agony,


I have a great boyfriend who loves me very much, but sometimes it is scary how possessive he is. He doesn't want me to go hang out with my friends because he is not included. He questions me like a drill sergeant about everything! I don't know what to do. Should I stay and try to help him control his jealousy problem? Or should I just say enough is enough? Please help!


Needing advice,
Possessed

----

A:

Dear Possessed,


What the hell is up with the name?

That being said, on to your boyfriend: If he loves you as much as you claim he does, why not be honest with him? Clichéd as this may sound, people who love each other 1) bring issues which are important to them out in the open, and 2) are willing to work for a compromise.

Speak with your guy and listen to his concerns. Why does he feel that he isn't included? Does he want more attention? (This would be easy to solve, I trust, unless you're allergic to intimacy -- in which case send me another email and I will e-psychoanalyze you.) Or is he simply anti-social? (Dump him. Guys who can't handle friendships can't handle relationships either.)

Do you feel that he is too insecure or too clingy? If so, dump him. You want a guy who has 'personal space' and 'boundaries' in his vocabulary. You may be his object of affection, but you're certainly entitled to object to being treated like an object.

You have feelings and a personal life of your own. Exercise your right to be where you want to be. You don't want to be explaining your entire schedule 24/7.

An exclusive long-term relationship entails commitment and trust. That not only means that you'll inform him if you're having a sleepover at your girlfriend's place, but also that he won't be calling you every ten minutes to check on you or, worse still, paying you an unwelcome visit!

Do speak with him and discuss how much time the two of you would like to spend together. Communication is the new Black. Trust me darling. I am such a relationship fashionista.

That being said, perhaps you're simply too hot and/or know too many guys, leading to your boyfriend's insecurities. Before hanging out with your friends, give him a good hug and let him know that no guy comes close to him.

It's perfectly normal, honey. People DO get insecure once in a while, and perhaps people who don't want to lose you are especially prone to the abovementioned. Be nice. (:

Comparing notes! This is what my boyfriend told me:

"If their birth certificates claim they are girls you may go out with them. But if their birth certificates claim that they're guys you need to ask for my permission first. Transvestites must be checked for and you are not allowed to see any of them."

Thus ensuring that I'll have to ask him for permission for 9 out of 10 outings. Beat that, sweetheart.

And remember: Don't let anyone make your decisions for you. Do whatever you think will make you feel happy ten years down the road. Long term is so in, yo! And besides, there's really no point bothering yourself with a guy you don't see yourself with in the future. Do consider this too.

Mail me back and tell me how it goes, all right? (:


Love,
Aunt Agony

Labels: boys, letters

A couple of days ago we had lunch at a certain restaurant.

A part-time waitress in her early twenties approached us nervously. "The bread is being baked," she used the passive tense, annoying and amusing me, "really sorry." Mutter, mutter. "You have to wait about ten minutes. Sorry."

"It's alright!" I replied perkily. My parents stared at me like I committed some crime. The waitress smiled gratefully and left.

"She could have put it differently," complained Mum. "The last thing you want," Mum said in her professional Know-It-All voice, "is to sound apologetic. She could have capitalized on the folly to impress the customer."

"Mhmm. Okay. How?" Me, humouring her.

"She could have said, 'It's our policy to serve freshly baked bread. Please bear with us for about ten minutes while we bake the bread!' That way, everyone feels good." Triumphant Mum.

"And what if," I played devil's advocate, "they request for whatever bread you have now, because they're starving and cannot wait?"

Mum hesitated for just a little too long.

"Then," Dad interjected, "you can say, 'Do you really want it?' and if they do, say, 'Okay, I'll retrieve it from the bin then.'"

Mum glared, "That's rubbish."

"Yeah it is. Rubbish. Get it?" I grinned.

"That's a very rude way to put it." Mum ignored me, "You must tell the customers, 'It's not in our policy to serve bread--'"

"--from the bin!" Dad interrupted once again, gleefully.

I burst out laughing, peals of laughter echoing throughout the restaurant. My parents and my brother chuckled softly and stared at one another momentarily. Then each of them turned to stare at random objects with renewed interest.

People have forgotten how to laugh nowadays. I just wish people stopped caring about others' expectations of them and just... let it all out and stopped restraining their emotions to put on a pretence.

Somewhere along the line you're going to seriously question yourself if it's worth shortening your lifespan by smothering that laughter and the answer would be very clear to you, but by then you might be on your deathbed regretting the things you never did because no one told you that you'd miss laughing so much.

And it would be your fault for 1) not being smart enough, and 2) not reading my blog.

Maybe #2 is subsumed under #1. Just maybe.

Labels: thoughts

One day I will give up this foolish notion of resisting change. I will remove the dusty dreams from under my bed and set them on fire in a final goodbye to teenage dreams of bungee jumping and breaking rules and hearts. I will take a sudden interest in gardening, knitting, and sitting in rocking chairs; my life will revolve around my grandchildren, a few cats, and the day I join my late husband.

The end.

And yet.

And yet, slices of my fragile reality cryogenically immortalised in words on my blog:

Moths miss the forest tissue crackers splintering endothermic concussion and bubblegum webs of dismay done your time somewhere along the way I lost my please I pray each night I live to smell tomorrow's leaves dance hymns and soon a thousand penny grants you hope.



I pray each night I live to smell tomorrow's leaves dance hymns;

Labels: thoughts

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