Korea, December 2006

Labels: photolog, vacation log

"Dad, you won't be in Singapore this Friday?"

"I'll be in Taipei. Why?"

"I'm getting back my A-level results."

"SMS me?"

"Even if it's bad?"

"Yeah. Don't worry, I'll still love you."

"... Really? I'm so touched!"

"Wait... Doesn't The College have seven storeys?"

"Yeah, it does."

"Then if your results are bad, go jump off the top floor."

Labels: chat log, school

This reminds me of the very first time I slapped an insect off somebody else's shirt with my hand, my very sensitive hand which is psychologically allergic to bugs and creepy crawlies. But I loved him, and that red ant was huge and scary and looked hungry. There was an easy breeze that evening that tasted as sweet as this one, and in that sunset we were doing nothing in particular -- just smiling, and breathing, and waiting to see all the places in life we'd go.

Labels: fairytales, Mr X files, photolog

Lately things have been mundane chez Angelique. Being a narcoleptic lazyass control freak, I've been busy micro-managing Dudette's Japanese University admission applications, writing to imaginary people, watching countless dramas on my computer, sleeping sixteen out of every twenty-four hours, and measuring the growth of my hair. I believe I speak for everyone when I say that the hair growing process is a most trying test of patience. Especially for those who're bald.

Also, I have been very busy honing my talent at being living, breathing hyperventilating Melodrama.

This afternoon Dude phoned me from army camp to say that he'd had been hospitalised for tearing a muscle, and the way he said it threw me off balance, because he was so calm and composed that at first I'd suspected that I'd hallucinated and he'd in fact told me something more routine, like, maybe, holy crap, there's such a severe lack of females here that the plump canteen auntie -- you know, the one with a sufficient number of spare tyres to spare all the four-wheel drives in Los Angeles? -- She's beginning to look HAWT. But noooo, Dude had to go and announce his predicament so serenely, that it didn't hurt at all, and the way he said it sounded (in my head, my very messed up head) more like, hey, I tore a muscle and yeah it's afternoon right now, wow. And I replied, Dude, you were hospitalised for a torn muscle!? Maybe you should maybe be a little more, maybe, like, CONCERNED? And he was like, oh don't worry it's just a torn muscle, and yeah d'you wanna hang out this weekend.

One other most unexciting occurrence in the past week: Nightmares about the release of the GCE A-level exam results. Do you have any idea how destructive spreading rumours can be? At first everyone I knew seemed to think that Doomsday was officially 9 February, so I went ahead and indulged in week-long movie marathons that left me severely dehydrated. At least before I die I'd get to see enough of Orlando Bloom's pretty face. And then, surprise! the rumours postponed death another week, so I went and got so drunk that till now I still have no idea whatsoever how I managed to end up talking with Mr X over the phone that day. And THEN it was postponed yet another week, and the crazy dreams about flunking all my papers began, and the phone calls from friends who had crazy dreams about flunking all our papers began. To those who have contributed in some way to making me believe academic aptitude the sole culmination of my worth as a human being: Fuck you. I am so much more than all the papers I've aced.

These days I wake up grateful for the little wonderful crazy things, bad hair days and pink boots and pointless emails and bacon and hysterical telephone calls to Dudette because that Japanese University's admissions officer replied my query in an email seemingly written in English, the sort of English that I have no idea how to interpret, and in response to my panic, Dudette whining over the phone about how distraught she is because oh my god, she wants this certain cap, and SHE CAN'T FIND A PINK ONE ON SALE ANYWHERE. To comfort her I offered to buy her a similar cap and to lend her my legion of pink highlighters.

...

I don't think there was any point to this entry except to say whoa! It's so good to be alive. And it's funny, in a sad way, how much these tiny things mean to me when a thousand years from now they would be insignificant historical personal titbits to future generations, if they haven't nuked each other to extinction by then. I never had a story till now, and I'll be part of a forgotten story after I'm done. From dust to young dreams to mid-life crises to frail aged frames and back to dust again. Why cut back on ice cream and bacon while I'm alive? (Because I can't do it when I'm dead? Shut up! Don't be ridiculous.)

Baaaacon bitssssss...

Labels: Dude(tte), hungry, thoughts

(Read this entry first.)

From: nadejdazozo@rambler.ru
To: Angelique [rainingnoodles@gmail.com]
Date: 21-Feb-2007 20:56
Subject: Re[2]: How are you?

Hi,

It Nadejda!!! How your day today was??? It is pleasant to receive to me your answer. Excuse, that I for a long time did not answer your letter. I should leave to parents what to help them with privatization of an apartment. It was very important for my parents. I had no time and the Internet beside to write to you. But now I again in Moscow also am ready to reception of the visa. While I did not write to you, I thought of us much. Probably it is destiny that I found yours e-mail the address in search system Yahoo. If we shall meet we shall look that in us will turn out. I have a holiday from work And I wish to have good rest. I also would like to use this trip that To meet persons, and it is probable to build with him serious relations. First of all I wish to do friendship, and then probable something The greater. If we may carry out it, it will be possible our meeting the beginning Something the greater, than simply friendship. Today I was in embassy And the ambassador informed me, that February, 23 I shall receive The visa. After reception of the visa I can fly in your country. I can not To fly to your country because I do not know anybody there but if we shall decide To meet that what date of a meeting will be more convenient for you? I wish to inform To you, that if we shall decide to meet, I can fly to you already February, 23-24. I shall like to meet you and to see your country! I have money forPurchase of the ticket and several additional money for hotel. If we Will decide to meet, please inform me what cost hotel there? I can To fly approximately within 2 months, but I can not remain in yours To the country so long because I have no any sufficient money. I think that your country Has the higher and higher prices. I think, that with my money I can pay hotel 4-5 days but if you might find a place for me I can remain With you approximately within 2 months. February, 23 I shall receive The visa and I may fly to your country, but I shall fly only if you Also want my arrival. All of us still have some time which is necessary for Acceptance of decisions on our meeting it is faster, because it will be very much It is convenient, if I shall fly to your country immediately after reception Visas. If you also want my arrival, please answer some questions:

1) How many cost not expensive hotel at you?
2) February, 23-24 it - good dates of our meeting?
3) Where there is a closest airport from your house?
4) I can remain in your country within 4-5 days but if you may find a place For me I can remain on longer term. Please inform, whether you may find cheap Place for me.
5) I can buy the ticket in 2 ends, but for purchase of the ticket I Should know date of flight of returning. If we shall decide to meet, please Time inform me, how many, you want that, we have remained together?

Well, write to me of a lot of ideas about our meeting. Also send a lot of yours Photos if it is probable. I expect your fast answer.

Nadejda.

Ps. Write on my constant e-mail the address. I shall look forward to hearing very much. My photos and there is more than information on me you can find on my personal page:
http://bulka97.narod.ru/

From: Angelique [rainingnoodles@gmail.com]
To: nadejdazozo@rambler.ru, bknrqmqbm@pppool.de, nadejdazolo70@bk.ru
Date: 22-Feb-2007 10:49
Subject: Re: Re[2]: How are you?

Hi,

It Friday!!!!!1! They say TGIF, which is geek-speak for a letter 'T' that's been animated to hop around the screen on Fridays. I love .gif files. Do you, my sweetheart honeybuns snooglemuffin cigarette lighter, do you love .gif files too? They are so much less vile than .exe files, but then you know exes. Makes you want to chop them up to cook curry with for their new significant others. Yeah right, as if HER ass can EVER be compared to MINE. Like, dude, he totally needs new glasses. This is why I have lost faith in men. Marry me.

While you did not write to me, I thought of us muchies also. By the way, it isn't destiny that you found my email address in Yahoo's search system; it's probably hallucination. Unless you were searching for pasta that falls from the sky -- a situation I consider very unlikely, since this secret knowledge is sacred and I've eliminated all others who know it, other than you... But I won't kill you if we shag like rabbits. You wrote that you were seeking a good rest away from work? Don't even for an instant assume that you'll get any rest in bed, my chocolate cake frosting. We have so much work (for a lack of a better word) to do. Naturally you'll be doing most of the very enjoyable work, but don't worry, I'm nice and will give you periodic breaks during which you can buff my toenails till they blind with their shine.

You wrote: "First of all I wish to do friendship, and then probable something The greater. If we may carry out it, it will be possible our meeting the beginning Something the greater, than simply friendship."

Man, cigarette lighters are really bad at grammar aren't they? That's something we'd have to rectify. I should love to have you speaking very eloquently; there's nothing like kickass intellectualism in bed, and I am oh so snobby. Why do you capitalise random words? It offends my very classy literary sensibilities. All my exes could thrash me in a game of chess with both their hands tied behind their backs, so you'd better brush up on your skills in bed to make up for your intellectual ineptitude. They say relationships are all about give and take, and I've found the perfect balance for us: You can give and I can take. You do realise that you urgently need to find a way to raise your IQ, right? Or... Well, when we meet, hopefully your stupidity will be contagious enough and then we'll be on the same frequency baby. Have you digested and dissected my meaning yet or is your dismal grasp of the English language impairing your comprehension? Damn, woman, you'd better hope you're good at buffing toenails.

You can fly to me any time you want bunnyshoes. Of course I want you. You won't be seeing as much of my country as of my bedsheets though, I can assure you of that. We could make out at random exotic places; I know cheap public locations for prolonged physical intimacy, if you are the exhibitionistic sort. But don't you DARE say that my country has "higher and higher prices"! YOU, MY RASPBERRY MUFFIN CIGARETTE LIGHTER, ARE IGNORANT OF THE ECONOMIC POLICIES IN PLACE TO CONTROL INFLATION. You are in no place to rail against rising prices like the rest of the cows that jumped on the complain-about-economy bandwagon while grazing on the grass they just pooped on. Unthinking creatures, 'em cows. They fart methane, too. Bubblegum sugarpie, at least read a textbook or two before complaining about such things so you sound maybe only slightly retarded.

Oh yes, your questions:

Q1: How many cost not expensive hotel at you?
A: I am very expensive indeed.

Q2: February, 23-24 it - good dates of our meeting?
A: Very good. But, in your language: February, 22 it - even better.

Q3: Where there is a closest airport from your house?
A: Lady, this is Singapore; everywhere is close to my house. It's all about relativity. Twenty dollars can get you all the way from one end to INTO the sea on the other end of this tiny island.

Q4: I can remain in your country within 4-5 days but if you may find a place For me I can remain on longer term. Please inform, whether you may find cheap Place for me.
A: I know good roads you can sleep along until I find the time to clean my room and make it presentable (Read (Can you?): dumbed-down) enough for your presence. Heh, I'm just so busy watching my hair grow these days. It is such an excruciatingly strenuous process that takes up so much of my time.

Q5: I can buy the ticket in 2 ends, but for purchase of the ticket I Should know date of flight of returning. If we shall decide to meet, please Time inform me, how many, you want that, we have remained together?
A: In case you haven't realised, I don't speak Stupid.

I love you cigarette lighter. Visit me soon. I have many ideas about our meeting, ideas which would be more effectively conveyed in person. Also, remember to indulge in intellectual reading material. While you're buffing my toenails I'd love to have stimulating conversations with you and I can't do that if half the time I feel like making fun of your brainlessness and I can't even do so effectively because my witty jokes at your expense will be lost on you. Frankly, that very thought makes me depressed.

xoxo, Friday

P.S. I checked out the photos on your home page. If THAT is how you pretend to hold a cue stick, you probably can't shoot pool to save your life. I don't enjoy hypocrisy. You're not even looking where your stick is pointing, in that photo (which makes your arm look flabby). We'd have to get you better acquainted with the Mathematical aspect of the game as well as common angles and blahblah technical jargon you won't understand.

P.P.S. 1980? Omg you're born in the same year as my boyfriend! Goodness, you're ancient. Let's get married real soon.

Jeez, I'm actually excited about the next email I get from this 'person'. My life must be getting dull.

Labels: cyberlife, letters, weird shit

From: Ted
To: Angelique [rainingnoodles@gmail.com]
Date: 20-Feb-2007 09:50
Subject: i like to thumb

you how's sO?
outlet factory the to went I todaY.
weird so are yoU.
bunnies some eat let'S!

you eat I RARARARARARAR.

teD lovE-
*KISS KISS*

From: Angelique [rainingnoodles@gmail.com]
To: Ted
Date: 20-Feb-2007 15:17
Subject: Re: i like to thumb

okay i'M! yoU?
outlet factory whaT? brothel for euphemism covert a like that iS? opinion my in subtle very noT.
weirder much so are yoU!
CUTE ARE THEY BUNNIES EAT NOT DO!!!!!!!!!

ass your kick will boyfriend my me eat you if RARARARARRRRR!!!!1!

~princesS lovEeEeE
*MUACKS*

Labels: chat log, cyberlife, weird shit

Days to go before moving: 22

Labels: photolog

From: xt
To: Angelique [rainingnoodles@gmail.com]
Date: 14-Feb-2007 21:32
Subject: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAH!

I have a stomachache!
That blog entry was great!

I hope there is more you'll say
For that really made my day!

My face hurts from laughing too
But I'm still indebted to you!

xt

ahahahhahahahah! HAHAHAHAAHAH

...Emphatic laughter, LOL


From: Jean B.
To: Angelique [rainingnoodles@gmail.com]
Date: 16-Feb-2007 05:39
Subject: HTML????????

Hi Angelique, how do you make your page coloured like that??? [...] Please help me!

The monochromatic colours were obtained from 100% real human hair: Black from the Maiden; grey from the Mother; white from the Crone. For the pinks, I use magic pixie dust gathered from the fairies that prance and flutter about happily deep inside the very luxuriant (pockets of) (secondary) tropical rainforests in my very green country, Singapore.


From: Cosima Rose
To: Angelique [rainingnoodles@gmail.com]
Date: 17-Feb-2007 23:29
Subject: I just noticed

Hi, I just wanted to tell you that I just noticed, on your blog, at the bottom? The copyright is two years out of date. Two years and one month and 17 days where I am (I don't know if it's already tomorrow in Singapore) to be exact, so I thought maybe you'd want to know that, if at least to make it say you renewed it to bide time until you do.
~Cosima

PS - [...] if you've had time to peek at [my blog] lately, some things look a bit like yours. Please don't throttle me. I can explain... I didn't know the CSS tags so that's the only reason why, I was using your blog as an example for the CSS tags I didn't know, not to mention the fact that I really do like the colour-coding. Please don't throttle me (you said on the bottom of [your blog] that you'd throttle plagiarists.). I wasn't trying to plagiarise per se... *hides behind bookshelf* Okay, maybe I'll just stay here for a bit.

PPS - your Twitter updates have been very interesting lately. 140 characters isn't very much to say something well [with] but you seem to be able to. I just wanted to say that, and I really mean it, even if I do have a sneaking suspicion that flattery might delay the possible throttling long enough for me to get over to that other bookcase which has a book I want to read in it.

I am too busy managing the mountains of dust on my table to bother with petty copyright notices when it won't make a difference to the fate of plagiarists: I throttle them anyway. Except when I'm in a good mood. Luckily for you I have just finished reading a book on Math and am in an excellent mood. I'll give you a five-second head start before I hunt you down and throttle you with my pink rubber band. Unless you have books that I want in that bookcase... in which case I'd steal your bookcase. You'd better hope I like something in your bookcase!


(Just to clarify: Dudette calls me dudette, and I call her Dudette. There is a major difference.)

From: Dudette
To: Angelique [rainingnoodles@gmail.com]
Date: 18-Feb-2007 15:06
Subject: Fwd: Maths Book for Review

dudette, so like my family friend in australia wrote this math book thingie, and like he wants students to take a look at it and review it before it actually gets published. my dad was like, since you hate math you should take a look, and i was like, are you crazy? so i volunteered you since you're bored to death at home anyway. and you actually like math.

yeah, so could you like maybe glance through and email me your opinions back?

Number of times the word 'like' appeared: 6


From: Dad
To: Angelique [rainingnoodles@gmail.com]
Date: 18-Feb-2007 00:02
Subject: OINK

HELLO MY ANGEL BABY!!!!

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR ! BE HAPPY ..NEVER WORRY!!!

DON'T OGLE THE GOOGLE BOX SO MUCH! MUM SAID YOU STAY UP TILL 8 A.M. SURFING THE NET???

LOVE....DAD.

P.S. MUM ASKED ME TO TYPE THIS MESSAGE
THIS IS A COMPUTER GENERATED DOCUMENT SIGNATURES ARE NOT NEEDED

Yeah, Daddy dear types in uppercase. He writes that way, too, like the caps lock key in his brain is permanently stuck. Weirdness is probably hereditary... By the way, to all those who celebrate it: Happy Chinese New Year! May the Year of the Pig ahead be a kickass and piggy one full of yummy bacon bits!... and all that jazz.


From: Angelique [rainingnoodles@gmail.com]
To: Ted
Date: 17-Feb-2007 15:39
Subject: Los Angeles

how's lalaland?

From: Ted
To: Angelique [rainingnoodles@gmail.com]
Date: 17-Feb-2007 15:45
Subject: Los Angeles

still no luggage
i asked the restaurant if there was a dress code
they said no t-shirt no shorts
but they didn't say underwear is required

From: Angelique [rainingnoodles@gmail.com]
To: Ted
Date: 17-Feb-2007 16:31
Subject: Los Angeles

LOL
why no luggage??
did you leave your underwear in your luggage?
wear a dress.

From: Ted
To: Angelique [rainingnoodles@gmail.com]
Date: 17-Feb-2007 15:45
Subject: Los Angeles

cos american airline sucks balls
no i wrapped my underwear in my pink chiffon skirt which i stuffed up my ass to mimic a poodle.
already did wear a dress. there are pictures of me somewhere.

Labels: chat log, cyberlife, Dude(tte), weird shit

[Update: I just realised that this afternoon I'd (foolishly) downed 5.8 alcohol units within half an hour. On an empty, small, female stomach. No WONDER everything was is spinning... It was interesting, though: I remember vehemently fighting against the inebriation, mentally, by picking out straight lines to walk along just to convince myself that I wasn't drunk (and failed; kept bumping into people), and by calculating the amount of alcohol I'd been drinking to prove that I was still sober (enough to do math). I guess this means I'm always sober enough to do math, hooray! But I nearly tumbled down escalators quite a few times... though I'm not entirely sure if this is wholly surprising, given my routine clumsiness. As you can tell, hangovers make me ramble. And my head throbs. Like... my heart. o_O I feel slightly confused but (and because) I'm not exactly sure what I'm confused about.]


From: ndQUAKE ndRACE [bknrqmqbm@pppool.de]
To: Angelique [rainingnoodles@gmail.com]
Date: 16-Feb-2007 21:56
Subject: How are you?

Hello!!!

How are you? My name is Nadejda. I am 26 years old. I live in Russia, city Yoshkar-Ola. I am cheerful woman, and like to do many things as sport, camping, go to the cinema, theatre etc. In a word I like to do all what like all people. I work in marketing structure on sale of cosmetics. My dream this travel abroad. I know the english language well enough.. I began to study english language approximately one year ago. I wish tell to you history which have pushed me write to you. 8 months ago I have got acquainted with the man from other country by name Justin. During this time we had good relations. We have understood that our relations become serious and we have decided to meet in his country. I wrote the application for reception the visa. I waited reception of the visa approximately half of year. All time I kept in touch with Justin through the internet and often called to each other. I and Justin waited reception of the visa to our meeting. I have received the invitation from the ambassador for reception of the visa. My director has given me long-term holiday from work and I have gone to Moscow to receive the visa. I informed good news to Justin, but he has answered, that does not want our meeting. He played with me. He has informed that has the wife with two children and at all has no plans to meet me. I was not ready to such turn of events. I could not think what even after 8 months of acquaintance he can so unscrupulously act with me. Now I am in Moscow trip to Moscow and reception of visa. I do not want that all was gone for nothing and will be glad if my visa will be useful to our meeting. I could arrive already through 4-5 days, but a problem in that that now I have no man which would like my arrival. Probable it will silly sound but if you will be interested in a meeting with the good woman I shall like to meet you sometime soon! As Justin was dishonest with me I have decided to find the man which is interested to meet the woman from Russia. I do not know your ideas about my letter, but it would be fine if we could meet and have some weeks or months together. On my trip I want to receive rest from my work and a life in Russia. Also the basic purpose for the future it is search good men for serious attitudes which go to a marriage. I have no children, but I want to have children in the future. I am the mature woman and ready to creation of family with good man. I do not know what you really search in the future but if we could meet I shall be happy to discuss with you more about our meeting. What are you going to do this time? It would be fine if we could meet, do friendship or more than simply friendship. I shall be happy if you also have a free time and we could meet soon. I do not know your interests, but anyhow write to me back and I shall tell to you more about myself. Write to me all that you want. Maybe we have similar plans and it will be interesting to us together. You can write all that you want. Ask any questions which interest you. Write to me back and I shall tell more about myself and send more my photos.

Please, write to me back on my regular e-mail: nadejdazolo70@bk.ru

Have a good day,
Nadejda.

From: Angelique [rainingnoodles@gmail.com]
To: ndQUAKE ndRACE [bknrqmqbm@pppool.de], [nadejdazolo70@bk.ru]
Date: 16-Feb-2007 21:59
Subject: Re: How are you?

Hi!!!!!!!!1

I'm ok, just a bit drunk. My name is Saturday, I think, depending on what day it is today but I lost my calendar some time back so oh well. I am 21 years old. I live in Singapore, city Singapore. I am a cheerful woman too, and I also like to do many things such as being lazy, sleeping, and just bumming around in general, I am such a busy person. In a word I like to do people. I'm self-employed, meaning I give myself tasks to do and then pay myself a generous salary to do whatever I wanna do, which is usually to give myself more work to do so that I can pay myself more. My dream is meeting you ;) though I hope it won't turn out to be a nightmare. Strangely, unlike you, I have no idea how to use the English language. It is such a confusing thing and really beyond my intellectual capabilities. Interesting history, about that Justin guy -- Is he cute? And by "serious ... relations" did you mean sexual relations? No need for polite euphemisms here, all I'm interested in is whether he's cute. I mean really it's not like he's worth your time so why not introduce him to me. Anyway, heh, you have so much faith in men it astounds me. I fell off my chair when I read the part you wrote about thinking that he'd be faithful just after 8 months of acquaintance, come on it's not like if he screws up he'd have to pay alimony! I can't believe he played with you; that is just so wrong!!!!!!! Unscrupulous indeed! So what's his email address? I want to play with him. With regards to your arrival, yeah you can stay at my place, I have a room we could share ;) as long as you do the dishes and buff my toenails for me every night. I like them shiny and natural and buffed by the "good woman" you claim to be. I'm very excited by your letter and yeah why can't we meet up already? I don't understand what you mean by "... if we could meet and have some weeks or months together", did you intend for "weeks and months" to be sort of an indirect reference to babies? I love babies, as long as you change their diapers. I'm only good at changing diapers when the kiddos are having constipation. See, unlike your Justin, I am being absolutely honest with you. Let's go to Vegas and get married there; I heard that over there for twenty bucks anyone can get married to their cigarette lighter. Will you be my cigarette lighter? Let's burst into flame. I can't believe you asked me what I'm searching for and what I want to do; isn't it obvious by now? I've been waiting to do you all my life so get your ass over here soon. My interests? Darling cigarette lighter, you ask such silly questions. Of course my interest is you. And of course we have similar plans, I just know it. And now I have written enough, could you please send me photos of you? I would love to know what my sweetheart honeybuns snooglemuffin cigarette lighter looks like.

Love,
Saturday

P.S. Oh yeah, are you interested in women? If not, I could always help you change your mind. ;)

Meh, good flirting practice I guess. Note to self: Do not drink on an empty stomach, even if there exists a strong compulsion to counter emotional with physical misery. *palm forehead*

Labels: cyberlife, letters

Happy (belated) Valentine's Day! I hope it was better for you than it was for me. I was bored and Fedex refused to mail me overseas to my him, so I got myself a manicure and watched, horrified, as the lady yanked out skin with her tweezers very gleefully. I kept thinking to myself, my fingers are getting circumcised. It was quite a disturbing thought. Anyway, I've been too busy bumming around to write, so here's some... abstract art for you. I think the most magical aspect of the drawing is that it's done by an eighteen-year-old but could easily pass off as doodles of a three-year-old. How many drawings can achieve THAT sort of standard!? And d'you see how the bird turns into a balloon on the left? That's actually a burst of creativity, also known as Resignation: I Can't Draw Birds (Evidently.) So I'll Just Scribble And Pretend It's A Balloon. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Labels: doodle log, self-effacing

I was clearing out a drawer last night and found a notebook I hadn't seen in three years, with plenty of secondary school nonsense scribbled in its pages. It's such good nonsense it could pass for a deliberately crafted comedy.

Characters:

Nezzie, the Being With Supreme Intelligence (BWSI);
Xt, the being of supreme blurness;
Squishy, the being of supreme cuteness;
Clare, the being of supreme clarebearness; and
Angelique, just another deranged female teenager.

Setting: Classroom. Nezzie, Xt and Angelique are bored, so they begin writing love letters to Clare. For fun. You know. Because that is what 'em crazies do when they have too much time on their hands. It is perfectly normal.

Nezzie:
Your big black eyes,
Nice glossy hair,
Makes us totally
Enraptured.

Angelique:
They glow with a strange fire
Your eyes, the objects of our desire.

Nezzie:
As your hair wobbles,
We start to grovel...

Xt:
Your orange jacket glows
Like our burning love for you.

Angelique:
Your words take flight
We oooooogle at your sight
And bask in your light...
Without you, we live a blight.

Nezzie:
Ah... Our hearts pound
New love found
No matter how ludicrous this might sound...

Angelique:
I swear our love knows no bounds.

(They then decide to compare thee, Clare, to a Shakespearean's summer's day...)

Shall we compare thee to a rock quarry?
Thou art more concrete and more moderate:
Storms shake not your expression so stony,
We love you though you move at a slow rate;

Your predictability makes us love you even more,
Your obsessions bring us to a different place;
We love you totally to the core,
The thought of you puts maniac grins on any face.

Your cute shoelaces jump with glee,
Your floppy hair glows with such lustre;
Those laces took themselves out -- It wasn't me,
Upon sight, you make our hearts a-flutter:-

So long as we can breathe, or hear or see,
So long live us, and this gives life to thee.

(Clare scribbles the following reply.)

Shall I ever again see
A bunch as weird and mad as thee?
Xt, stop playing with my hood
(And I would like to have some food)
Angelique, you stop that too
Or I'll take a 'sabre to you.

Recess is here at last; hooray!
Now go and have a happy day.
(Or as happy as one can be
When so afflicted with insanity.)

(WE LOVE CLARE!!!! Suddenly, the recess bell goes off. Scene: Canteen. Nezzie, Xt, Clare and Angelique are queuing for food.)

Angelique: Clare, it's plain to see: You will never ever be free.

Nezzie: Shall we speak in rhyme?

Angelique: Yes, it's just about time

Nezzie: I'm sure we'll find things to say

Angelique: To continue this game we play!


(Enter Squishy.)


Xt: Hi Squishy!

Nezzie: You look like sushi!


(After ordering food from the vendor)


Nezzie: I think we’ve forgotten to speak in rhyme. Nevermind, we'll try again next time.

Angelique: Let's go and eat; I hope you didn't order meat. [Ed]

Nezzie: I'm sure I didn't order meat, so let's go and eat!


(Nezzie, Xt and Angelique, carrying plates of food, approach the table where Clare (in her orange jacket) and Squishy are seated.)


Xt: Ah, a girl in orange!

Angelique: She is in our sight's range!

Xt: Hi Squishy.

Nezzie and Angelique: You look like sushi!

Xt: Clare is stoning in the way that she does it everyday!

Nezzie: She is so lame, and that has given her her fame!

Angelique: It is a shame she is so tame.

Clare: Roar.


(Clare leaves the table to buy drinks for them.)


Angelique: Clare is walking like a turtle. I shall wait for her until my hair turns purple!


(Clare returns with three tetra packs of drinks.)


Nezzie: Clare has so many hands!

Clare: Xt, you owe me forty cents.

Angelique: She did a rhyme! For the first time!


(Clare frowns, then leaves the table to get straws for them.)


Angelique (gestures towards drink): By the time she returns with the straws, I would have finished it all.


(Clare returns with straws. They begin eating. Mid-conversation, a comparison is struck between their rhyming and that done by...)


Clare: ...the Riddler.

Angelique: Is this such a riddle to thee? It is very clear to see -- Us, with our creativity, we will obviously --

Clare: I was talking about Batman.

Angelique: Oh. Oh.


(They finish eating and are about to clear their plates.)


Nezzie (pushes plate towards Squishy): This is a relay, put these there without delay.

Squishy: No! No!

Xt: Hi Squishy!

Nezzie, Xt and Angelique: You look like sushi!


(Squishy frowns and doesn't say a word.)


Nezzie: Squishy's cute

Xt: Regardless of whether she's mute!

Nezzie: Squishy, would you be my friend? It would really be grand.

Angelique: We could even be a band! And sing songs... About this land!


(Squishy starts laughing hysterically)


Angelique: I think her sanity she has to mend, before she can be our friend.

Scene: Toilet.

Nezzie: What lesson is it now? If it's Ms Q's, that'll be foul.

Angelique: Well, let's not delay; we can even make a relay!

Nezzie: I love my relay!

Angelique: Your wonderful relay! Yay! Okay, let's go pee, before we--

Xt (noticing that Nezzie was busy talking to someone else): --Nezzie!


(In the toilet...)


Nezzie: This is so funny, that my nose is runny, even though it's sunny. It won't stop being runny, even if you give me money.


(Suddenly, two girls pass by, chatting animatedly, and only this snippet of their conversation was overheard: "...or else I'll slap you!")


Angelique: Violence is bad! ... Don't ever do that!

Nezzie: That was my friend!! I think our friendship we'll have to mend

Angelique: Or even put to an end--


(Teacher walks past them.)


Angelique: --Good afternoon Ma'am!

Xt: Angelique, you're a genius! You're so hilarious!

Scene: Classroom.

Angelique: BWSI. Sigh. I need your brain. Mine is under a lot of strain. I am in disdain. And pain.

Nezzie: Go stand in the rain. What is the lesson after this? I would like to give it a miss.

Angelique: Math, tsk.

Nezzie: Gross.

Angelique: Gross indeed. I wish my feet... could take me out the classroom door, and never come back forever more.

The End.

I miss school... and I miss being in the position to say that I hate school, even if I don't.

Labels: chat log, school, weird shit

"I thought you wanted to walk to that shop? Why are we standing here?"

"I'm trying to decide if I should buy that top."

"Umm... Okay."

"Help me find a flaw in it so I won't want it this much!"

"Well... It's free size! That means it doesn't fit you perfectly."

"... Not necessarily. It could be that it's flattering any way you wear it."

"You asked me to find flaw with it! Why are you rebutting my argument?"


(In the end I didn't buy the top, because I was tired and it suddenly occurred to me that I would never be able to defeat myself in an internal debate where the merits and demerits of the case essentially outweigh each other. Besides, I'd had a curfew and needed to get home soon. And I was annoyed that the shopowner spoke to me with a holier-than-thou attitude, like she'd hated my fashion sense, which is odd when you consider the fact that I did enter her boutique. I make it a point never to patronise shops where service is bad, because nice people deserve to win. Yay!

(Anyway, I'm just trying to make myself feel better for not spending thirty dollars on clothing I wasn't sure I'd wanted enough.))

Labels: blawg, chat log

You think all I saw in you was an empty shell of crippled human being. I'm insulted by such a demonstration of an obvious lack of faith on your part in my ability to see beyond the superficial. I was the closest one to you, at least for a while, and that was enough for me to know. I know you better than you give me credit for. I'm feeling a mishmash of annoyed, hurt, amused and resigned: Annoyed because you don't realise what you meant to me; hurt because of how much you meant -- and still mean -- to me; amused because humour protects me from the vortex of grief; resigned because it was such a long time ago. It was just a blog entry I chanced upon, tucked away safely in the past.

But the predominant emotion in me right now is a sense of necessary urgency -- I don't think you ever understood what I appreciated in you, and I feel an overwhelming, instinctive urge to tell you the things about you that made me shove an angry middle finger in the face of social stigma (besides my tendency to be... curiously alienated from stereotypes), to seek to occupy a place in your heart for as long as you would let me. In that entry, you wrote that you were a "cold, uncaring, selfish, unkind, mean, emotionless" person, and it made me realise how easy it was to abuse vocabulary, to use it as linguistic artillery to efface yourself. I don't think you understand how beautiful you are. You severely underestimate your worth to and effect on others and it pains me because this means I failed to convey how much I value you, a failure so massive that I feel a need to resort to words though they do the depth of that passion no justice.

Some time back I confided in you that for the past week I'd had recurring suicidal thoughts, and you jokingly asked me why I wasn't dead yet, was it because I realised that my existence (and lack thereof) was paltry and inconsequential? I smiled and replied that during that week I used logic to reason against those destructive notions, that I am too arrogant to condone killing myself because of a neural chemical imbalance. I was still depressed when I told you this, but even then in that moment I'd wanted to tell you that I knew, intellectually, how awesome it is to be alive. And that you are one of the few people in my life who never fail to remind me of this fact.

Labels: chainsaw, letters, Mr X files

The most ordinary thing happened today. Bi-Dotter called to confirm our group outing in the afternoon, and when I let on that Mr X would also be present, there was an eerie silence over the phone and then Bi-Dotter enquired incredulously, "Him?" THAT guy? Like, the one you fantasize about killing approximately every second or so? And then he asked, "Are you bringing your chainsaw?"

A couple of months ago I would have wholeheartedly elaborated upon the dynamics with regards to shoving a chainsaw up Mr X's ass; for a long time I told mutual friends we were on 'okay' terms, as in the Would Rather Castrate Him Than Talk To Him But I Gotta Be Merciful! sort of 'okay'. But today was just an okay sort of okay. I'm not sure when the fantasies about his corpse stopped and when the letting go began, but when I met him today all I registered in my head was, he looks happy, that's awesome. And then I returned my attention to my lunch.

Which brings me to how truly foolish I have become. These days I feel contented as long as Mr X knows that I want to be here for him when he needs me. It is a terrible happiness, and very possibly also the worst economic decision I've made, ever. You know the cliché, about giving without expecting anything in return? I mean, really, I am getting ripped off and I LOVE IT. Obviously, I have lost a few hundred IQ points. I suppose once you love a person you never really can go back. And if it's the first person you've ever loved without reserve... a part of you will always be left behind in his possession. How do you dissolve the emotional attachment, revoke everything you'd freely given? You don't.

First loves wield a sort of magic, one that triumphs over reason and chainsaws. And it's agonising, in a most beautiful way, behaving in a manner that clearly defies logic simply because it makes so much sense to me.

Labels: chainsaw, Mr X files

Labels: chat log, cyberlife

1. (a) I'm not attracted to females, and ought to keep away from guys for the sake of
(s) Sanity of the male(s) who would otherwise be my helpless victim(s).
(s) Also, I exhibit a blatant lack of respect for alphabetical order, or indeed any order at all.
(!) And flippancy: Look! I spelt 'ass!'.

2. Excluding the mandatory school uniform, I own four skirts. I curse like nobody's fucking business. I'm violent. I would rather pee standing up. I should probably have been born a guy, and my minuscule boobs agree without reserve. Interestingly, my boobs share a few similarities with land in Singapore: Expensive (see #7), tiny, and flat. Aren't I patriotic.

3. My ass is a living, breathing monster that periodically feeds on little blue birds and butterflies. It also takes up more than half the bed and has an annoying habit of hurling itself at high speeds in the direction of the person who pissed me off. This is known as Angelique's legendary Hip Attack. Frankly speaking, with all the crap I've put my hip through (including collisions with cars), I'm surprised it hasn't been fractured or dislodged. Though my furniture may be a little... hurt.

4. Also, my hips. Gosh. We need to widen the doorway so I can enter nose first without having to scuttle through it sideways like a crab.

5. While we're disparaging the ever-widening hips and ass, why not touch on the cellulite as well? Sufficient for 5000 winter hibernation episodes! Alternatively, will feed 400 starving Ethiopian families for five years. Regularly replenished with M&M's and chocolate bars and whatever my fridge happens to contain, Angelique's Cellulite™ ensures food security in times of war! While stock lasts. High emotional maintenance and battery (see #11) not included, but necessary.

6. I'm psychotic. Right now I feel an urge to scribble expletives on my face because I'm that angry with myself. Aren't you just a teeny weeny bit afraid that I might draw on your face too? In hot pink? Permanent marker? Glow in the dark?

7. (h) I'm smart and therefore can maximise (my) revenue and minimise (my) costs, both financial and emotional, with amazing efficiency and subtlety. If we quarrel I will make the guilt paralyse you from only neck down, so you can still move your jaws to articulate an apology. Speaking of which,
(e) I am always right, and
(l) You are always wrong, unless you share my point of view.
(l) We would never fight if you just agreed to take all the blame, though I do realise that it is terribly insensitive of me to point out your stupidity. It hurts, I know. But lying isn't my strong suit... and for that, you ought to apologise.
(o) Nothing here, I just felt like spelling 'hello', even though on second thought 'hell' might have been more appropriate.

8. Facts #4, 5, 6 and 7 are technically untrue, except the bit about me being psychotic. Artistic license, however, does not bother itself with such trifling, piddling technicalities. I enjoy self-effacing humour, especially when it isn't funny, because I'm annoyed with myself for some reason I forgot.

9. I'm needy and insecure and I need you to remind me that you love me (even if you don't) approximately every five seconds, failing which my self-esteem plummets vertically downwards accelerating at 9.8 metres per square second. Damned gravity, it makes boobs and self-esteem sag. Tell me you love me. An obvious exception to the five-second rule is if I've just broken my favourite pink vase (for probable cause, see #3), in which case my primary concern would be that you buy me a new one ASAP. And then tell me how gorgeous I am. By the way, you love me, right? Just checking.

10. I waste time making stupid, redundant lists like this one at 5AM in the morning when I can't sleep.

Misery of the female human condition: PMS. Damn hormones. It's insane, I can feel every single flaw of mine magnified and it makes me feel like picking on myself like a hungry crow. Going for the eyes first.



What's the alternative? Would an insecurely downloaded file be more neurotic than I am? Am I right? Do you really love me? Why don't you say goodnight in that same manner anymore? Don't even bother lying because I can totally tell the difference between tones of voice that are absolutely identical. Hell yeah, I'm THAT good.

Labels: hissy fit, lists, S, self-effacing

Memories lie well. It is always this ridiculous obsession with capturing things that don't endure. The search for constants... Nostalgia? Insecurity? I reject this silly reminiscence. Isn't change good? Think about the infinite possibilities! I challenged the fact that one plus one equates two and you looked at our feet, at the concrete underneath. Pensive. You said, "This building was founded upon that mathematical assumption. Let us hope it is correct." Eyes bright, lips curled in a soft smile. I looked at you and thought, I could make this moment last forever. You are always so perfect in my memories.

Labels: 100 words, fairytales, Mr X files, photolog

This guy calls me Butt. So I call him Ass. Would you believe me if I told you that he's four years my senior?

I'm aware that I should stop relying on conversations for blog fodder... But there have been too many things going on in my life! Like... Ice cream in the fridge holy crap. And also there is this anal-retentive control freak who is trying to run my life. Dudette and I, we dispense similar advice to this type of people: Give yourself an enema. Because we know that there's a stick up your ass that ought to be removed. And then there's always the dysfunctional family drama to bank on for entertainment the moment I decide that my life's been a wee bit boring. I need some time off to breathe.

In other news, two days ago because a striped orange ball had been teetering on the edge of the pocket, I impulsively hip-butted the pool table hoping the tremors would assist in gaining my team one more pocketed ball. Unfortunately I severely overestimated the power of my hip and all I acquired from the fiasco was a bruised hip that still hurts. My stupidity is astounding.

Labels: chat log, cyberlife, Dude(tte), hungry, S, self-effacing

It's really annoying, how it never rains unless I forget to bring along my pink umbrella. I want to use my pink umbrella. I didn't pay for something just so its colour could match my table (and bag, and bed, and shoes, and... pretty much everything); I paid for it because it blinds random passer-bys and I am muahaha evil that way.

So it rained yesterday, because I left my umbrella on my bed and I was totally fooled by the camouflage. I met up with Dudette, and it was nice because I got to tease her about her inability to count or her love for money, and I got to update her on the random minutiae of my life without feeling like a total nutjob. She hardly blinked after I told her that I was seeing a guy a decade older than Mr X, and even then her top priority was to determine if he was rich. Yesterday I articulated a stray thought and told her that one day I'd like to hang out downtown in a trench coat and a bikini, and immediately she replied, "I'll walk with you part of the way. Just to watch." See what I mean? When I'm around her, I FEEL SO NORMAL. I once asked her what she would do if one day I decided to raid graveyards for sexual gratification, and without hesitation she replied, "So?" As in, okay, so? Like, dude that is totally dull and commonplace, why are you wasting moments of our lives placing this redundant information in my brain?

I miss Dudette because I feel really weird and random and disorientated right now, which is a big thing for me because I rarely ever feel this bewildered by anything. Today I got on the wrong bus, switched to another random bus, and got to the right place at the wrong time, and on my way home I got on the right bus and got off at the wrong place. Twice. And when I woke up one of 'em buses I was incredibly anxious because the first and foremost thought in my head was, "My god, it's September!" and the most absurd thing was that my principal concern was whether I'd wished my tutors a happy teacher's day on the first of the month.

I want a pair of pink platform shoes that don't bite my feet. Why am I so bloody short? I need more calcium.

Labels: Dude(tte), hissy fit

Labels: photolog

Remember this post? February's masthead is up! It's hand-drawn, scanned in and then heavily Photoshopped, possibly the only reason why it looks presentable enough to not kill your eyes. I am also aware that the dog lacks whiskers. I... shaved it. So anyways, something pink and fluffy for this month! Valentine's Day is just around the corner and fluff is all the rage this season, as are roses that cost atomic bombs even if they'd wilt within the week. Romance entails a certain degree of stupidity.

And now for your daily dose of me-effacing humour:

Labels: chat log, cyberlife, doodle log, self-effacing

all posts by category Neptune blawg Probably Lesbian Cradle-snatcher Mr X files The Ex Dude(tte) letters lists fairytales lawl blawg chat log doodle log dream log photolog vacation log school %s job %s family (a)musings 100 words boys OCD poop chainsaw S cute hungry cyberlife hissy fit self-effacing thoughts weird shit yayness

monthly archives

Recent posts...

Lucky Draw

Brownie Points

Bag Lady and the Tramp

Her new favorite corner

Quarantined

Piss awwff!

Finally an update on my wretched life

I love my Louis

Happiness overloaddddd!

I would like to eat a birdie

Back to top
Back to main